First of all, they’re very unclear who exactly is a terrorist. Do we mean militants or freedom fighters or jihadis or extremists or those people whom Asif Ali Zardari says are ‘non-State actors’? That’s made even more complicated by the fact that these guys keep changing their names so that the Lashkar-e-Tayyeba becomes the Jamaat-ud-Dawa, or the Harkat-ul-Something becomes the Jaish-e-Something-Entirely-Different.
Besides, they also have Sunni fanatics, al-Qaeda operatives, Taliban militia, all adding to the confusion.
We could argue that all of them need to be put down immediately. Ah, but who’s going to do it? As Zardari has said, they have non-State actors in Pakistan. They also have State actors, non-State non-actors and State non-actors. Zardari is obviously a State non-actor. What they don’t seem to have are those who act on behalf of the State.
But that depends on which State we are talking about. The army, for instance, is a State within a State. The ISI is a State within the Army State within the State of Pakistan. And this ISI State also apparently includes ‘rogue elements’.
To make it easy for you, I have made an illustrative but by no means exhaustive list of the various groups in Pakistan.
Here it is: pro-State, pro-army; pro-State, anti-army; pro-non-State, pro-non-army; pro-State, anti-ISI; pro-army, anti-ISI (this is reportedly an oxymoron); pro-State, pro-army, pro-ISI, anti-rogue elements in the ISI (these are reportedly
morons); pro-generals, anti-retired generals; pro-retired cricketer, anti-retired general etc.
I’m uncertain whether the picture is clear now, but at least you have some idea of how complicated things really are in Pakistan.
What’s more, nobody is quite sure which of these factions runs the country. In short, if you need to hand over a list of demands the first thing to do is make about 500 photocopies and give it to each of those groups.
That’s because very often the State’s left hand has no inkling what its right hand is up to. For instance, when A.Q. Khan exploded that nuclear bomb, the Pakistan government had no idea what he was doing.
Why, even A.Q. Khan says he hadn’t a clue. “I had put my clothes in the washing machine, quite forgetting about the lump of uranium in my trouser pocket and then I went to the market to buy some veggies. Imagine my surprise when, on my way back, I saw this little mushroom cloud over my bungalow,” he told this reporter.
He then went on to explain that the uranium must have reacted with the heavy water in the washing machine (he always uses heavy water for washing, it’s good for stains) and inadvertently produced a nuclear explosion.
The point of this story is to emphasise just how difficult it is for anyone to know who is doing what in Pakistan.
Rumours have also reached me that this muddle about non-State actors and State actors has gone to such lengths that people are no longer pro-Asif Ali Zardari. Instead, some of them are pro-Asif but anti-Zardari, others are pro-Ali but anti-Asif and so on. This can, of course, happen only in Pakistan.
As for Zardari himself, he has now split into three distinct personalities — Asif, Ali and Zardari — so that if you ask him about that list of terrorists he can claim you never gave it to him at all because you handed it to Asif but the guy who’s before you now is Ali.
So if you see the president of Pakistan sitting quietly at his desk, don’t for a moment assume the poor man is lonely and depressed. For all you know, he may be having a wild party with Asif and Ali.
Link - http://www.hindustantimes.com/StoryPage/StoryPage.aspx?id=e85119f6-8f31-4cde-8f68-4e6b91dabe04
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
TV guide for the week- Manas Chakravarty, Hindustan Times
By the time you read this column, the strike by TV workmen will hopefully have ended and you will be able to watch your favourite serials soon. Realising the impatience with which you have been waiting for your beloved soaps, we offer you some sneak previews of the next episodes. For copyright reasons, the names of the serials and the characters have not been disclosed.
Family drama
The hero comes home and bends to touch his mother’s feet, but realises something is amiss. He straightens, looks carefully at her but can find nothing wrong. He then sniffs the air and steps back hurriedly, realising that the woman whose feet he had touched could not be his mother, because the perfume was Calvin Klein while his mother always uses Dolce & Gabbana. The lady tells him she is actually his mom but has changed her perfume because a gang of kidnappers want to kidnap her for ransom and she is trying to throw them off the scent. The hero suspects his wife to be the ringleader because she had been given up for dead in a car crash until she came back with a completely different face, lots of botox and a vastly different midriff and claimed she had plastic surgery. At that moment, the hero’s wife, aunts, grandmothers and great-grandmothers enter the room, wearing Kanjeevaram silks, lipstick and pearls. They are followed by his uncles, cousins, stepbrothers and stepfathers, wearing sherwanis. Then they all dance the bhangra. Meanwhile, John Abraham and Abhishek Bachchan drop in to promote Dostana. In the confusion someone suddenly shrieks and shouts out to the hero that his wife and mother are missing. The hero rushes to the next room and finds his real mother all trussed up, wearing a Paithani sari and Dolce & Gabbana. She sobs quietly on his shoulder and tells him that the woman using Calvin Klein was her twin sister who had taken a wrong turn fifty years ago and never came back. The deathly silence is broken by the expensive sound of the hero’s Nokia N79 ringing. He picks up the phone……..to be continued. The serial ends with a nuclear explosion that wipes out the entire family except the evil twin sister, who dances on their graves.
A romance
The episode starts off on a festive note as the heroine is getting married for the sixth time and this is the third time she is getting married to the hero. The hero, who has higher TRP ratings, has been married nine times. Suddenly, the heroine sways and falls. There is an expectant hush as everybody waits for the doctor to come and tell them of the pregnancy. But the heroine goes into flashback mode and sees herself next to a temple in a forest, dressed in goatskins being wooed by the hero, in matted locks. At that moment, a malicious aunt enters and stabs them to death. The heroine wakes up and realises she has been reborn to avenge her death. While the wedding guests dance the conga, she changes into a snake and bites the aunt, swiftly changing back to her feminine self again, but not before being observed by the hero who falls into a coma. The doctor pronounces sorrowfully that he has a brain tumour, which prevents him from making up his mind about whom to marry. To be continued… The romance ends happily with the lovers eloping, while the rest of the cast goes mad.
A mythological show
This is the story of the demon Soorpanakha and how her nose, cut off by Lakshman, has been found in the jungles of Sri Lanka, guarded by djinns and the LTTE. Oops, sorry, this is breaking news.
A horror serial
The man is depressed, the woman’s face ashen. An eerie quiet prevails, the calm before the storm. Then a bell rings shrilly and the screen slowly turns blood-red. Oh sorry, got the wrong channel, that’s CNBC.
Link - http://www.hindustantimes.com/StoryPage/StoryPage.aspx?id=9bcd4297-45ac-439c-82c7-b37eba84cf3a
Family drama
The hero comes home and bends to touch his mother’s feet, but realises something is amiss. He straightens, looks carefully at her but can find nothing wrong. He then sniffs the air and steps back hurriedly, realising that the woman whose feet he had touched could not be his mother, because the perfume was Calvin Klein while his mother always uses Dolce & Gabbana. The lady tells him she is actually his mom but has changed her perfume because a gang of kidnappers want to kidnap her for ransom and she is trying to throw them off the scent. The hero suspects his wife to be the ringleader because she had been given up for dead in a car crash until she came back with a completely different face, lots of botox and a vastly different midriff and claimed she had plastic surgery. At that moment, the hero’s wife, aunts, grandmothers and great-grandmothers enter the room, wearing Kanjeevaram silks, lipstick and pearls. They are followed by his uncles, cousins, stepbrothers and stepfathers, wearing sherwanis. Then they all dance the bhangra. Meanwhile, John Abraham and Abhishek Bachchan drop in to promote Dostana. In the confusion someone suddenly shrieks and shouts out to the hero that his wife and mother are missing. The hero rushes to the next room and finds his real mother all trussed up, wearing a Paithani sari and Dolce & Gabbana. She sobs quietly on his shoulder and tells him that the woman using Calvin Klein was her twin sister who had taken a wrong turn fifty years ago and never came back. The deathly silence is broken by the expensive sound of the hero’s Nokia N79 ringing. He picks up the phone……..to be continued. The serial ends with a nuclear explosion that wipes out the entire family except the evil twin sister, who dances on their graves.
A romance
The episode starts off on a festive note as the heroine is getting married for the sixth time and this is the third time she is getting married to the hero. The hero, who has higher TRP ratings, has been married nine times. Suddenly, the heroine sways and falls. There is an expectant hush as everybody waits for the doctor to come and tell them of the pregnancy. But the heroine goes into flashback mode and sees herself next to a temple in a forest, dressed in goatskins being wooed by the hero, in matted locks. At that moment, a malicious aunt enters and stabs them to death. The heroine wakes up and realises she has been reborn to avenge her death. While the wedding guests dance the conga, she changes into a snake and bites the aunt, swiftly changing back to her feminine self again, but not before being observed by the hero who falls into a coma. The doctor pronounces sorrowfully that he has a brain tumour, which prevents him from making up his mind about whom to marry. To be continued… The romance ends happily with the lovers eloping, while the rest of the cast goes mad.
A mythological show
This is the story of the demon Soorpanakha and how her nose, cut off by Lakshman, has been found in the jungles of Sri Lanka, guarded by djinns and the LTTE. Oops, sorry, this is breaking news.
A horror serial
The man is depressed, the woman’s face ashen. An eerie quiet prevails, the calm before the storm. Then a bell rings shrilly and the screen slowly turns blood-red. Oh sorry, got the wrong channel, that’s CNBC.
Link - http://www.hindustantimes.com/StoryPage/StoryPage.aspx?id=9bcd4297-45ac-439c-82c7-b37eba84cf3a
Dubya’s last speech - Manas Chakravarty
Ladies and gentlemen and Mr Barack Obama,That’s not to say Obama is not a gentleman, but I mention him separately because he’s the President-elect and a president is….uh….separate. On behalf of the American people I welcome the election of Mr Obama, by the American people. This election has shown that the people of this nation do not care about colour or creed, which I call the two deadly Ks. I believe all that is necessary for a man to succeed is to have the 3 K’s — colour, creed and courage, or rather he shouldn’t bother about the first two k’s and have the third one.
These are tough times and we have big problems in the economy. It calls for a big man to make these problems small. But Mr Obama has proved that he can be tough — he has snatched victory out of the jaws of Mr McCain — and I’m sure he will succeed. As they used to say of William Shakespeare, “Where there’s a Will, there’s a way”, so I say of Obama, “When you’re with Obama, it’s like being with your mamma”, which means I’m leaving you in safe and capable hands.
Of course this is not the best of times and we have problems with credit and debit and with banks and other things like derivations. They say the economy is in trouble, but last time I checked Halliburton was doing fine. The good news is we already have the plans to repair the damage and all the new President must do is to execute them. That’s why I say the President is like the CEO of a nation, the Chief Executing Officer. I had to do a lot of executing myself, but the job I enjoyed the most was executing Saddam.
That reminds me, one of the great things about the job is having a lot of relationships with other countries. I’ve made plenty of foreign friends here in the White House.
The best way to find out whether you can have a relationship with a country is look their president in the eye. I can tell you I took one good look at Putin, the Russian president — he was demoted later — and I knew we had a common interest in oil. Or take Blair, they called him a poodle but I always found him to be a completely fabulous animal.
You also learn a lot from inter-actioning with people from distant lands. I always thought that Indians were the guys who ran around with tomahawks and scalped people but my good friend Manmohan Singh, the prime minister of Indonesia, says he’s never scalped anyone in his life. I still find him an amazing guy, although I’ve never really understood a word he said. But he’s our man and his country, Indonesia, is a great democracy in Africa, full of call centres and malaria, so I swung a big nuclear deal for him.
Here is the link to the article - http://www.hindustantimes.com/StoryPage/StoryPage.aspx?id=a918bf73-beb8-48ac-8175-03fc03b4c027
These are tough times and we have big problems in the economy. It calls for a big man to make these problems small. But Mr Obama has proved that he can be tough — he has snatched victory out of the jaws of Mr McCain — and I’m sure he will succeed. As they used to say of William Shakespeare, “Where there’s a Will, there’s a way”, so I say of Obama, “When you’re with Obama, it’s like being with your mamma”, which means I’m leaving you in safe and capable hands.
Of course this is not the best of times and we have problems with credit and debit and with banks and other things like derivations. They say the economy is in trouble, but last time I checked Halliburton was doing fine. The good news is we already have the plans to repair the damage and all the new President must do is to execute them. That’s why I say the President is like the CEO of a nation, the Chief Executing Officer. I had to do a lot of executing myself, but the job I enjoyed the most was executing Saddam.
That reminds me, one of the great things about the job is having a lot of relationships with other countries. I’ve made plenty of foreign friends here in the White House.
The best way to find out whether you can have a relationship with a country is look their president in the eye. I can tell you I took one good look at Putin, the Russian president — he was demoted later — and I knew we had a common interest in oil. Or take Blair, they called him a poodle but I always found him to be a completely fabulous animal.
You also learn a lot from inter-actioning with people from distant lands. I always thought that Indians were the guys who ran around with tomahawks and scalped people but my good friend Manmohan Singh, the prime minister of Indonesia, says he’s never scalped anyone in his life. I still find him an amazing guy, although I’ve never really understood a word he said. But he’s our man and his country, Indonesia, is a great democracy in Africa, full of call centres and malaria, so I swung a big nuclear deal for him.
Here is the link to the article - http://www.hindustantimes.com/StoryPage/StoryPage.aspx?id=a918bf73-beb8-48ac-8175-03fc03b4c027
Friday, July 17, 2009
17 Again - Movie Review
The movie is a lot about emotions. That's how this world runs..Love,Kindness and other such stupid words that bring no financial gains.
Why bother for the beggar in the street or hunting of polar bears when you can switch on the AC and enjoy "Who wants to be A Millionaire" on your new LCD TV.
Don't get me wrong you worked hard for it and deserve every bit of it. And the important thing is that you paid tax for it so u in a way contributed for the philanthropic activities of your respective country. Congrats !! you are just not a mean person some might think you are. In fact if you consider the tax u paid in total you can actually say - "I might have saved a few lives in my lifetime" .
Moral of the story - Vote for the "Emotional Man" in the elections because he is more likely to pass a law forbidding killing of Whales, Bears..U get the picture. And work harder cause you get paid more and pay more taxes and help others....and all but can also directly DONATE.
Why bother for the beggar in the street or hunting of polar bears when you can switch on the AC and enjoy "Who wants to be A Millionaire" on your new LCD TV.
Don't get me wrong you worked hard for it and deserve every bit of it. And the important thing is that you paid tax for it so u in a way contributed for the philanthropic activities of your respective country. Congrats !! you are just not a mean person some might think you are. In fact if you consider the tax u paid in total you can actually say - "I might have saved a few lives in my lifetime" .
Moral of the story - Vote for the "Emotional Man" in the elections because he is more likely to pass a law forbidding killing of Whales, Bears..U get the picture. And work harder cause you get paid more and pay more taxes and help others....and all but can also directly DONATE.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Political equations by Manas Chakravarty
Now that all 79 ministers have been sworn in, it’s time to stop bothering about who got what ministry and why they did so. My sources assure me that there’s no need at all to worry, because all the appointments have been done on the basis of firm scientific principles.
As a matter of fact, they insist that the entire political business has a solid scientific foundation. As proof, they point to the famous equation E=mc2, in which E stands for Elections, m for money and c for caste. I initially protested that I vaguely remembered the equation had something to do with energy and the speed of light, but was convinced when a grassroot political worker said c can’t possibly stand for ‘speed of light’ unless they spelt ‘speed’ as ‘cpeed’, which was plain wrong. “It’s very straightforward,” said a politician from Tamil Nadu, “which is why another equation that best captures the political process is the mathematical formula for a straight line, or y=mx+c.” “Y obviously stands for “Yelection,” he continued, while m denotes money and c is for caste.” On asking what x stood for, he whispered that it was a secret ingredient. “It’s the X factor,” he told me conspiratorially, in hushed tones.
Which brings me to the formula for distributing Cabinet berths. The things that go into the equation are caste, kin, region, the ability to rub opponents the wrong way, proximity to the powers-that-be, loyalty and some say (though this is hotly disputed) an ability to read and write. The formula here is CB= p·l*ckr.·········the symbols at the end being the code for ‘ability to rub opponents the wrong way’.
Others point out, however, that the formula for allotting Cabinet berths is based on string theory, which combines quantum mechanics and general relativity. There are 11 dimensions to string theory, exactly the same as for cabinet berths. Sometimes they come in handy, and reports say that Arjun Singh was consoled by pointing out that in another dimension in an alternative universe a Cabinet post had already been allotted to him. Lalu, on the other hand, has been told in no uncertain terms that for every action, such as jilting the Congress in Bihar, there is an equal but opposite reaction.
Perhaps the best people to attest to the scientific character of politics are the Communists, with their belief in ‘scientific socialism.’ They used to firmly believe that parallel lines do not meet, which is why they never allied with people like Jayalalithaa and Chandrababu Naidu. But at a stormy politburo meeting before the election, Prakash Karat reportedly argued passionately that while parallel lines may not meet in Euclidean geometry, they do in the more modern Riemann geometry and, therefore, he allied with a clutch of right-wing parties.
After the election, of course, Euclid is back in the CPI(M) and they want to send Riemann to Siberia. The BJP, on the other hand, is known to favour Ohm’s Law, because of a misunderstanding that it’s spelt ‘Om’s Law’. “Om, as you know, is the symbol of Hindu civilisation,” a BJP worker reminded me.
Even the cynics understand that politics is based on science. “Just as we have the theory of relativity,” chortled a confirmed cynic, “so politics is based on the Theory of Crap — short for ‘CRorepatis After Power.”
There is some dispute, though, whether politics is based on physics or chemistry or biology. Some point out that it’s very much akin to Darwin’s theory of the survival of the fittest. “Just as the dominant gene kicks out the recessive gene,” pointed out a biological-cum-political scientist, “so did the Congress treat the DMK.”
Others say the political process is chemical, because it stinks like hydrogen sulphide, or rotten eggs. Economists also stake a claim, because they say MV=PT, or Money.Vote=Power Trip.
But perhaps the last word on the subject is from the astrophysicists, who point out that politics is very obviously a black hole.
The credit for this thoughtful insight into Indian Politics goes to Manas Chakravarty of Hindustan Times. Here is the link to the original article -
http://www.hindustantimes.com/StoryPage/StoryPage.aspx?id=6b342a9d-a46e-4e68-b670-986105b4db19
As a matter of fact, they insist that the entire political business has a solid scientific foundation. As proof, they point to the famous equation E=mc2, in which E stands for Elections, m for money and c for caste. I initially protested that I vaguely remembered the equation had something to do with energy and the speed of light, but was convinced when a grassroot political worker said c can’t possibly stand for ‘speed of light’ unless they spelt ‘speed’ as ‘cpeed’, which was plain wrong. “It’s very straightforward,” said a politician from Tamil Nadu, “which is why another equation that best captures the political process is the mathematical formula for a straight line, or y=mx+c.” “Y obviously stands for “Yelection,” he continued, while m denotes money and c is for caste.” On asking what x stood for, he whispered that it was a secret ingredient. “It’s the X factor,” he told me conspiratorially, in hushed tones.
Which brings me to the formula for distributing Cabinet berths. The things that go into the equation are caste, kin, region, the ability to rub opponents the wrong way, proximity to the powers-that-be, loyalty and some say (though this is hotly disputed) an ability to read and write. The formula here is CB= p·l*ckr.·········the symbols at the end being the code for ‘ability to rub opponents the wrong way’.
Others point out, however, that the formula for allotting Cabinet berths is based on string theory, which combines quantum mechanics and general relativity. There are 11 dimensions to string theory, exactly the same as for cabinet berths. Sometimes they come in handy, and reports say that Arjun Singh was consoled by pointing out that in another dimension in an alternative universe a Cabinet post had already been allotted to him. Lalu, on the other hand, has been told in no uncertain terms that for every action, such as jilting the Congress in Bihar, there is an equal but opposite reaction.
Perhaps the best people to attest to the scientific character of politics are the Communists, with their belief in ‘scientific socialism.’ They used to firmly believe that parallel lines do not meet, which is why they never allied with people like Jayalalithaa and Chandrababu Naidu. But at a stormy politburo meeting before the election, Prakash Karat reportedly argued passionately that while parallel lines may not meet in Euclidean geometry, they do in the more modern Riemann geometry and, therefore, he allied with a clutch of right-wing parties.
After the election, of course, Euclid is back in the CPI(M) and they want to send Riemann to Siberia. The BJP, on the other hand, is known to favour Ohm’s Law, because of a misunderstanding that it’s spelt ‘Om’s Law’. “Om, as you know, is the symbol of Hindu civilisation,” a BJP worker reminded me.
Even the cynics understand that politics is based on science. “Just as we have the theory of relativity,” chortled a confirmed cynic, “so politics is based on the Theory of Crap — short for ‘CRorepatis After Power.”
There is some dispute, though, whether politics is based on physics or chemistry or biology. Some point out that it’s very much akin to Darwin’s theory of the survival of the fittest. “Just as the dominant gene kicks out the recessive gene,” pointed out a biological-cum-political scientist, “so did the Congress treat the DMK.”
Others say the political process is chemical, because it stinks like hydrogen sulphide, or rotten eggs. Economists also stake a claim, because they say MV=PT, or Money.Vote=Power Trip.
But perhaps the last word on the subject is from the astrophysicists, who point out that politics is very obviously a black hole.
The credit for this thoughtful insight into Indian Politics goes to Manas Chakravarty of Hindustan Times. Here is the link to the original article -
http://www.hindustantimes.com/StoryPage/StoryPage.aspx?id=6b342a9d-a46e-4e68-b670-986105b4db19
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